Forgiving Person | The Character Trait That Transforms Lives

Have you ever felt the weight of resentment pulling you down? Whether it's a colleague who took credit for your work, a partner who betrayed your trust, or even forgiving yourself for a missed opportunity? Learning to release burdens such as these could be one key to authentic living and feeling more free.

Key takeaways

• Being forgiving is a powerful character trait, and when practiced it can help to release resentment, reduce stress, and improve emotional well-being.
• The ability to reframe negative events can help make it easier for individuals to forgive and maintain emotional balance.
• Being forgiving often correlates with other positive traits like fairness, kindness, and tolerance.
• Forgiving yourself is a critical step toward authentic self-compassion and growth.

IMPORTANT: The content in this post is provided for educational purposes. We offer some tips and exercises to assist you in the forgiveness process, but these are not intended to substitute and/or replace professional guidance from a therapist or counselor. Please seek professional assistance if you are struggling to manage anger, resentment, guilt or shame.

If you are unsure where to start, your primary care physician can provide referrals to mental health professionals or specialized anger management programs.

If you need immediate help, please call or text these hotlines 24/7:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - Call or text 988 any time, 24/7, for free and confidential support with mental health, emotional distress, or suicidal crisis. You’ll be connected to trained counselors who can help you through difficult moments.
• Crisis Text Line - Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 support from a trained crisis counselor via text message.
• National Mental Health Hotline - Call 866-903-3787 for free and confidential help with any mental health crisis, available 24/7.

Table of contents

• The power of being a forgiving person
• What it means to be a forgiving person
• Forgiveness character trait spotlight
• Self-regulation is key to forgiveness
• Forgiveness benefits
• Self-forgiveness: The ultimate act of self-compassion
• Cultivating forgiveness in the daily life
• Age-specific forgiveness challenges and solutions
• Forgiveness in the workplace
• Common questions about forgiveness

Take our free character trait assessment

Take True Mydentity’s free character trait assessment to discover where forgiveness ranks in dominance among all of your 58 positive character traits.

The power of being a forgiving person

The journey to becoming a forgiving person is rarely straightforward. It’s challenging. But, it can be profoundly beneficial for your personal well-being, achieving personal success, and maintaining strong relationships with others.

Forgiveness is more than just a kind gesture. Being a forgiving person is a valuable positive character trait, and a powerful set of skills that allows you to work through the process of releasing resentment, reclaiming your energy, and moving forward with more clarity, less stress and a better outlook.

Personal note:

I must admit that I am envious of those who are genuinely forgiving people. I have struggled with forgiveness for as long as I can remember. Intuitively, I know people (me and others) make mistakes. And, I understand holding onto grudges and resentment brings me down more than if I were to work toward moving past it. But for some reason, I struggle to let my guard down with others, to forgive and move on; and over time I have become really good at ridiculing my own actions if I know I could have done better.

Becoming more of a forgiving person is an area of my life that I continue to work on. Mainly because over time I have grown to realize and accept that the intent of forgiveness is not to condone bad behavior, but instead it’s about freeing myself to focus on more important aspects of my life, such as my own personal growth, well being and happiness.

Let’s face it. Stress sucks. Holding onto grudges and resentment is a root cause of negative emotions that lead to stress. Personally, I do not want to create that stress for myself. But, making that choice is for each of us to decide.

If you choose to work toward being more forgiving, this post offers some insight and simple exercises to help you start.

What it means to be a forgiving person

A forgiving person chooses to let go of feelings of anger, bitterness, or revenge against someone who has caused hurt, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing the wrong, but rather about freeing yourself from the emotional weight from holding grudges.

Myths about forgiveness

Myth	Truth
Forgiveness means accepting or excusing bad behavior	Forgiveness is about your internal peace first, and you can still enforce boundaries
You must forget to truly forgive	Remembering can be part of healing; it’s about releasing anger, not erasing memory
Forgiveness happens quickly	Forgiving someone is often a complex, gradual process that requires deliberate effort
Forgiving makes you vulnerable to future hurt	Healthy forgiveness includes your ability to judge well and setting appropriate boundaries

 

Forgiveness character trait spotlight

Forgiveness doesn't exist in isolation. Being a forgiving person functions as a catalyst trait that enhances other qualities like kindness and tolerance.

We looked at a subset of True Mydentity’s questionnaire data for 338 people who ranked 80% or higher in dominance for the forgiving positive character trait. This subset of individuals also shared high dominance ranks (80 or higher) for the following three positive character traits:

1. Fair - 291 individuals
2. Kind - 290 individuals
3. Tolerant - 290 individuals

Based on True Mydentity’s character trait questionnaire responses, these are the three most common and most dominant out of the 58 positive character traits associated with someone who has a forgiving character.

Self-regulation is key to forgiveness

A study titled “The Role of Self-Regulation in Forgiveness: A Regulatory Model of Forgiveness” (Ho, Van Tongeren, & You, 2020) explores how self-regulation influences an individual's capacity to forgive. Conducted with 317 university students in Hong Kong, the research examined the interplay between self-regulatory strength, emotion regulation, and forgiveness.

Key findings include the following:

Self-regulatory strength and forgiveness

Individuals with higher self-regulatory strength (this means a person has better control over their own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors) were more inclined to forgive others. This suggests that the ability to manage one's own thoughts, emotions and behaviors plays an important role in the forgiveness process. I'm sure you're thinking, "of course controlling the negative impact of my emotions will probably help, but emotions happen first and fast!"

Regulate emotion with mediator technique

The study identified emotion regulation, particularly cognitive reappraisal (which are two fancy psychology terms used to explain the process of reinterpreting a situation to change its emotional impact), as a significant mediator between self-regulatory strength and forgiveness. Simply put, individuals who can effectively reframe negative experiences are more likely to forgive.

Here's an example to illustrate the use of cognitive reappraisal to forgive a friend:
Jasmine, 30, found out that her close friend, Maya, shared a private struggle she was going through with a group of mutual friends. Jasmine felt betrayed and humiliated, and her first reaction was to cut Maya off completely.

Initial reaction

• Jasmine replayed the situation over and over in her head.
• She felt angry and sad. She wanted to withdraw from Maya and their relationship.
• She told herself: “Maya doesn’t respect me. She can’t be trusted. I don't need friends like that in my life.”

Applying cognitive reappraisal

After a few days, Jasmine decided to take a step back. She asked herself:

• “What else could explain Maya’s behavior?”
• “Is it possible she didn’t mean to hurt me?”
• “Maybe we can use this to define better boundaries and grow our friendship?”

Jasmine reframed the situation

“Maya probably shared my story because she didn’t realize how private it was to me. Maybe she thought it would help me get more support. That was a bad call on her part, but it probably was not meant to hurt me.”

Result

• Jasmine’s emotional intensity lowered.
• She still felt disappointed, but less consumed by anger.
• She was able to have an open conversation with Maya, express how it made her feel, and set clearer boundaries.
• Eventually, she forgave her friend and repaired the relationship.

Why this process is important to forgiveness

Jasmine reinterpreted the situation in a way that made it feel less intentional, less hurtful, and it helped to reduce her negative emotions. This opened the door to allow for the option of forgiveness to be considered for this scenario. It didn’t excuse the behavior, but it helped Jasmine respond in a way that supported both emotional well-being and relational healing for herself and the relationship with her friend.

Self-regulatory fatigue impacts forgiveness

Participants experiencing self-regulatory fatigue (meaning they were mentally drained from practicing emotional self-control over a long period of time), showed a decrease in their tendency to forgive. However, those who went through the cognitive reappraisal process to reframe a situation reduced the effect of their mental exhaustion. This emphasized the importance of adaptive emotion regulation strategies in maintaining forgiveness even when self-control resources are running low.

This study illustrates the importance of controlling yourself and your emotions to reach a place of forgiveness. Practicing the cognitive reappraisal technique has shown it can help assist you in the process toward forgiving someone, and potentially improve your interpersonal relationships and personal well-being. It can help learn how to become a more forgiving person.

Practice the REACH Method to forgive others

Harvard Health outlines the REACH method, which is a 5 step process created by Everett Worthington, to practice cognitive reappraisal and self-regulation that can further assist you with forgiving others effectively. The easy to remember REACH acronym essentially encompasses another commonly practiced model, Process Model of Forgiveness in Dr. Robert D. Enright, PhD’s book, Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope:

1. Recall – Reflect on the hurtful event clearly and honestly without exaggerating or minimizing it. Let yourself feel the emotions, even the difficult ones.
2. Empathize – Try to understand the offender’s perspective without excusing the behavior. Recognize that their actions may have stemmed from their own pain or fear.
3. Altruistic gift – Remember a time you were forgiven. Use that memory to recognize forgiveness as a generous act you can offer to others.
4. Commit – Make a personal commitment to forgive. Write it down in a journal or say it aloud to a trusted friend. This helps solidify your decision.
5. Hold – When negative feelings return, remind yourself of your decision to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the memory, but it changes your response to it.

Forgiveness benefits

Research on the effects of forgiveness includes the following benefits of being a forgiving person:

Physical health benefits:

• Reduced blood pressure and heart rate
• Improved immune system function
• Better sleep quality
• Lower stress hormone (cortisol) levels
• Decreased chronic pain intensity

Mental health benefits:

• Reduction in depression symptoms
• Decreased anxiety and rumination
• Improved focus and concentration
• Enhanced problem-solving ability
• Greater emotional stability

Relationship benefits:

• Increased trust and intimacy
• More effective conflict resolution
• Deeper empathic connection
• Reduced defensive communication
• Higher relationship satisfaction scores

Professional benefits:

• Improved team cohesion
• Enhanced leadership effectiveness
• Better negotiation outcomes
• Reduced workplace stress
• Increased creative collaboration

The Impact: Forgiving vs. Resentment

Area of Life	Forgiving Character	Resentful Character
Energy Level	Available for goals and joys	Consumed by past grievances
Decision Making	Future-focused, possibility-oriented	Past-oriented, fear-based
Relationships	Open, trusting, resilient	Guarded, suspicious, fragile
Wellbeing	Lower stress, greater joy	Higher anxiety, chronic tension
Adventure	Takes risks and learns from failures	Plays it safe to avoid mistakes

 

Self-forgiveness: The ultimate act of self-compassion

Perhaps the most challenging form of forgiveness is the kind we extend to ourselves. Self-forgiveness requires special attention.

Use the REACH Model to forgive yourself

Again, practice the REACH model, developed by Everett Worthington, as it is also suitable for self-forgiveness. Here is the process you can work through:

• Recall the hurt - Write or talk about the event, acknowledging the pain and your role in it.
• Empathize - Imagine yourself in the position of someone you have hurt, or use techniques like the empty chair. Imagine yourself in it, so you can express and receive empathy.
• Altruistic gift - Reflect on times you have been forgiven, and consider offering yourself the same compassion.
• Commit - Write a note or statement of your decision to forgive yourself, making it tangible and intentional.
• Hold on to forgiveness - Revisit your written commitment when doubts or self-criticism resurface, reinforcing your intention to forgive yourself.

Self-forgiveness exercise: The compassionate letter

Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of someone who loves you unconditionally. Address the mistake or regret, offer understanding for the circumstances and limitations you faced, and offer genuine and intentional forgiveness. Read this letter daily for one week.

Cultivating forgiveness in the daily life

Mindset shifts

Transforming into a forgiving person begins with these fundamental mindset changes:

• See forgiveness as empowerment. Holding onto resentment drains your energy and focus. Forgiving frees you to invest in what truly matters.
• Understand everyone makes mistakes. Recognize human imperfection, including your own, which helps cultivate empathy for others.
• Separate the person from their action. This distinction reduces personalizing the hurt and opens the door to compassion.
• Commit to forgiveness as a process. It is a choice you make daily, not a one-time event.

Daily micro-practices

Here are practical, manageable habits to build forgiveness into your daily life:

• Reflection journaling - Write about hurts in a way that expresses your feelings without judgment or blame. Then explore what letting go would feel like.
• Empathy exercises - Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Consider their motivations or struggles, without making it personal or assuming it was intentional, to soften harsh feelings.
• Gratitude for growth - Identify lessons or strengths you've gained through painful experiences.
• Mindful breathing before reacting - Pausing to breathe deeply when triggered creates space to respond with compassion.
• Morning intention setting - Begin each day with, "Today I choose to lighten my load by releasing resentments that don't serve me."

Age-specific forgiveness challenges and solutions

For 25-34 year olds: building authentic foundations

Common challenges:

• Career disappointments when reality doesn't match expectations
• Relationship transitions and first significant heartbreaks
• Comparing your progress to peers on social media
• Learning to forgive parents as you see them as fully human

Potential solutions:

• Career resilience practice - Document lessons from workplace disappointments rather than personalizing setbacks
• Relationship reset ritual - Create a symbolic gesture to mark your emotional freedom after a relationship ends
• Social media boundary setting - Limit comparison triggers while practicing self-compassion
• Parent perspective exercise - Write about your parents' lives at your current age to build understanding

For 35-44 year olds: midlife forgiveness revolution

Common challenges:

• Forgiving yourself for life paths not taken
• Managing regrets about major life decisions (career, relationships, location)
• Processing accumulated relationship wounds
• Letting go of idealized visions of where you "should be" by now

Potential solutions:

• Life path integration - Document how past "mistakes" actually contributed valuable skills or insights
• Regret reframing practice - Transform each regret into a specific wisdom you now possess
• Relationship pattern breaking - Identify recurring relationship dynamics to forgive both others and yourself
• Values clarification reset - Define success on your own terms rather than inherited expectations

Forgiveness in the workplace

In today's fast-paced professional environment, workplace forgiveness becomes essential for career advancement and satisfaction:

Common workplace forgiveness scenarios

• Being passed over for promotion
• Having ideas dismissed or credited to others
• Dealing with difficult personalities
• Navigating organizational politics
• Recovering from professional mistakes

24-Hour Rule: Strategic workplace forgiveness practice

When faced with a professional slight or disappointment, give yourself 24 hours to feel the emotion fully. After that time period, consciously decide whether holding onto the feeling serves your career goals. Most find that strategic forgiveness clears mental space for their next achievement.

Common questions about forgiveness

Is forgiveness the same as forgetting?

No. Forgiveness is about releasing negative emotions tied to hurt; it doesn't mean erasing memories or excusing behavior. Healthy forgiveness often includes remembering lessons learned while releasing the emotional charge.

What if someone doesn't apologize? Can I still forgive?

Absolutely. Forgiveness is primarily for your own peace and doesn't require the other person's participation. In fact, some of the most powerful forgiveness work happens independently of the other person's awareness or remorse.

How does forgiving myself fit into being a forgiving person?

Self-forgiveness helps heal guilt and shame that block forward movement. It's a compassionate acknowledgment of your imperfections and commitment to growth. Research shows self-forgiveness may be even more strongly correlated with life satisfaction than forgiving others.

Will forgiving make me vulnerable to being hurt again?

Healthy forgiveness includes setting boundaries. Being forgiving doesn't mean tolerating ongoing harm or abuse. You can forgive someone while still choosing not to have them in your life or changing how you interact with them.

How long does it take to cultivate forgiveness?

The timeline varies per person and situation. Minor hurts might resolve quickly, while deep betrayals may take months or years to process.

Take our free character trait assessment

Take True Mydentity’s free character trait questionnaire to discover how dominant your 58 positive character traits are and which are the most dominant. Maybe your most dominant trait is forgiving?